Why Is Marriage Still Seen as Women’s “Ultimate Task” in Traditional Views

“We are not against marriage—we are for happiness.” When I first heard this line from The Decision to Leave, it hit me like a punch in the chest. Comedian Xiao Pa once said on stage: “Marriage is not a KPI in life, happiness is.” And Bu Jingyun bluntly mocked: “It feels like women are born with a countdown timer. After 25, relatives start refreshing the progress bar like crazy.”

It sounds funny, but reality is not funny at all. Every time I attend to the family party, older generations often use the question "When are you going to get married?" as the opening topic when talking to the sisters. And I also discovered that even when girls got an exciting job offer, the response was: “Great, now you’ll be easier to marry off.” In this traditional script, marriage seems written as the “final answer” to a woman’s life.

But why? Why has marriage been framed as the most fulfilling outcome for women?

Historical Roots

If we rewind history, the obsession starts to make sense. In the past, with limited education and unstable jobs, marriage was almost the only way women could secure financial stability and social legitimacy. Sociologist Talcott Parsons (1954) argued that family structures historically provided reproduction, economic dependence, and legal security. Even today, traces of this logic remain. Julia Carter’s (2017) interviews with young women show that many still view marriage as safer than cohabitation, especially when children are involved. In this sense, marriage is still imagined as a “harbor” against uncertainty.

Why Do We Still Embrace It?

But if marriage were only about function, it would never hold so much emotional power. What really cements its “ultimate status” is cultural packaging. Think of the fairy tales we grew up with: Snow White awakened by a kiss, Cinderella marrying into royalty, both ending with “happily ever after.” These stories taught us that a wedding is the ultimate happy ending. Even as adults, when we know real life isn’t a fairy tale, the idea of “marriage = resolution” is deeply embedded in our collective imagination.

Carter (2017) calls this bricolage: people piece together the “traditional value of security” with the “modern idea of choice,” convincing themselves that marriage is both autonomous and traditional. This blend of old and new is what keeps marriage emotionally compelling.

Critiques and Contradictions

Still, this narrative has its limits. Anthony Giddens (1992) argued that intimacy in modern life should take the form of the “pure relationship”—based on negotiation and personal fulfillment rather than rigid institutions. Yet in reality, unmarried women are often seen as “incomplete.” Sociologist Gross (2005) calls this the “moral community”: marriage functions like a social entry ticket, excluding those who don’t participate. So even while we celebrate individual freedom today, there remains a hidden anxiety of being judged “abnormal” by traditional standards.

My Take

I don’t deny that marriage can bring happiness and security—it is, for some, the most meaningful choice. But the problem is that marriage has been elevated into the only legitimate path to fulfillment, overshadowing other ways of living. True equality doesn’t mean all women must pursue marriage; it means women should be free to define fulfillment on their own terms: through independence, career achievement, friendships, creativity—or marriage, if that’s what they genuinely want.

Marriage may once have been the only destination. But today, it should no longer be the only answer.

Written by: Sherry Lu